It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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