He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
