end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
