If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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