O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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