I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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