i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you win again, gameday.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
