It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
