The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
