she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
