if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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