what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
