Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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