I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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