What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
