We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
