Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
