bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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