...so i touched it.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
