you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
