Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
