I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
