Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
