I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
