how can u be prego again
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
