shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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