Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
