I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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