Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
