We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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