I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
