Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
