Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Ladies don't puke and tell
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
