just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I need a beard to bite.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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