i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
