I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
