I'm going to rape someone's good day.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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