I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am spending my child support on dildos
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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