Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
