I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
