I got chris browned last night
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
