I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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