I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
