In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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