3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
