Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
