thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
