I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
