Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
