and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
