My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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